Thursday, 13 March 2014

On Being The Whitest Bitch Alive and Why You Should Shut The Fuck Up About It

Ok so I've been pretty nice about this up until now, considering the crap some people throw.

All my life, I have been very white-skinned. Pale and pasty, lily white, living dead and all that. 
I have run the gamut of nicknames, from Paleface to Casper to Ghost Girl. Honey, I've heard them all, and very few are hilarious. As a baby, my mother would be approached by strangers asking if I were sick, even if I had cancer.

So I'm here to finally, inevitably say, SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. I'mma sick of your racism against really-super-dooper-whiteys. Some cultures adore porcelain skin; Japanese women used to poison themselves with lead powder to achieve alabaster beauty for shit's sake. 

I don't wanna hear it from ANY OF YOU any more. I don't care how friendly we are. You are not in some exclusive club that allows you to insult me and giggle, wondering why I haven't joined you in your snorting supposed hilarity. 

I love you but shut the fuck up with this brand of nonsense:

"Is that the colour of your legs?" No, I'm wearing white stockings for that 80s soft porn vibe.

"Are your wearing a mask?" YES. Yes I am. You can call me Michael Myers.

"Is that REALLY your skin??"  No, I photoshopped myself whiter for shits n giggles.

"Put it away, Lily!" Um, my name is not Lily and you need to put your face away.

Honestly, would you say these things to someone with black or brown skin? No, you wouldn't, because it would be rude. 

So you need to just shush now. No more discriminating against or laughing at the supernatural glow emanating from your untannable friends. It is not cool.

And while I'm here, I wanna give a big HELLS YEAH! to all my uber-white bitches and homeboys out there. You is pretty, and don't let no orange hoes or jealous frenemies try to ever convince you otherwise. Embrace your alabaster, mondo hugs and loveness to your porcelain skin. 

All mah bitches, line em up!

Tans are totes overrated. Whiteys Uniteys!

(Happy Friday kidlets...encourage me and I'll get off my lily white ass and actually be a blog wanker more often) xxx

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Live Below The Line - Dia Dos

The cat is eating more than I am.

Delirium is setting in. Yesterday I told off the person who sold me uggboots online for the laces being on the wrong sides, before I realised. I had them on the wrong feet.

Clearly, I am mental.

Today I accidentally stayed at work for an extra twenty minutes, staring at a spreadsheet. Just staring at numbers.



I guess this is what my eventual dementia will be like.

There's still time to donate to my delirium! Go to
and help save the world! Even five dollars will doooooooo......


Monday, 6 May 2013

LIVE BELOW THE LINE - Dia Uno Andale Andale!

It's on! The great $2 per day eating challenge.

After eating mostly the same rice/vegie combo for nearly every meal last time, I went for a bit more quality over quantity this time. Which means a few fruits and vegies, then staples like bread & miso soup. I believe I shall grow to hate the miso; it's more of an a starter than anything. But alas! Soy bloats you so you feel fuller, and it has good natural hormones to keep you sane when lacking in nutrition. And this year I have the magic of tuna! I never had any meat before, and you'd be surprised what a lack of protein will do to your brain.

And JOY! My new pink lace up ugg boots arrived today! Which makes me ponder all the things I can easily buy online and demand some person ship directly to me.

And how many people out there will NEVER experience this simple joy we take for absolute granted?

And how many simple things do I own that some people will NEVER own, NEVER even hold in their lifetime.

I'm thinking about these things a lot right now, and it makes me humble. Angry at the world for being unfair, but humbled.

Anyways, here's what kept me entertained while eating my boring miso soup lunch:

Pretty sisters photographed over 35 years...the span of my entire life. I love watching peoples' faces change. I love looking at peoples' childhood pictures, especially with siblings. I love how these womens faces move from soft to harsh and back. I fell in love with each of their faces over different photos. Plus, these women look like regular country-stock bad-asses who would ride up on a horse with a shotgun and a grin.

Hey, I'm lacking nutrition. I may just fall in love with a flower this week, like Ferdinand.
You remember Ferds.

You think you don't. But hit play. Sure you do!

Hooray for first day down and spirits still high! If a little squashed by thoughts of hungry, helpless kids across this globe.

Thanks for all the support people have given so far, you guys are just ace.

If you want to donate, please go to here and show some love.


Thursday, 21 March 2013

Oh Yoko, We Love Him and We Miss Him

Yoko Ono recently tweeted this pic of John Lennon's bloodied glasses, taken after he was shot dead in 1980.

Image of the glasses worn by John Lennon on the day he was shot and killed in 1980.

20th March would have been their 44th wedding anniversary. She tweeted this to remind us how many people have fallen victim to gun violence since the death of her husband.  

This picture is so simple and so sad.

When I was a kid, I thought John Lennon was just the nicest man in the world, playing his guitar and asking for peace and love. I've spent my life admiring manic, passionate, crazy-happy-hopeful idealists like John and Yoko. And I hope I never give up the hope they gave me as a kid; that the world, and people, could be better, and nicer, and loving, and true.

I still miss you so, so much, Uncle John. Rest in peace man.


Thursday, 7 March 2013

Day of the Womens!

It's International Womens' Day, so let's honour an awesome chick.

Everybody remembers The Divinyls for that goddamn I Touch Myself crap.
People forget they were actually fucking awesome.

Chrissie Amphlett is one of the greatest rock bitches of all time. She still scares the living shit out of men. Who else can do baby blubber noises with their lips in the middle of a song. And dance with a light sabre, scuse me bitches get out of her way. All hail Queen Chrissie!

The Mother of Duckface.

And hey...did Chrissie and Angus Young from AC/DC ever don their school uniforms and take the stage together? FIND ME THE VIDEO, I KNOW THIS EXISTS.

Love your faces, enjoy the long weekend my pretties xxoo

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Friday, Fuck It I'll Starve Again.

So I've decided to do Live Below The Line again. If you witnessed it last time, you understand this means I have lost my mind....for a good cause.

Live Below The Line is a charity initiative run by The Oaktree Foundation, where basically you starve yourself for five days to raise money for charity. Sounds crazy but is ultimately uber-rewarding and helps you understand how fucking tough getting through each day can be for billions of people, every single day of their lives.

I first did Live Below The Line in 2011. To read about my mental decline and ultimate raising of nearly $2000 for poor kids, check out the nuttiness from last time! Totally worth giggling at my ranty hungry madness.

But really, what I want you to do is donate to me here. Or join me in the quest for starvation and you too can be a loud-mouthed martyr. Get on board the cray cray train; motherfuckers let's ride.

Here's some links to delight you while you give me money.
  • My Daguerrotype Boyfriend! In the wake of Valentine's Day, here's some hot 19th century dudes being all swarthy and moustachey. 

And flashback video of the day comes from the once cool, now cray Paula Abdul. And check out baby Elijah Wood being all blue-eyed and cute as hell.

Nawww little 'Lijah, I heart thee too.

Baby forever, forever and ever xx

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Flashback Friday!

Oooh oooh wouldja looky here. It's back.

Did you miss my ranting raving honey child? Did you cast your eyes skyward and swoon, squealing ohhhhhh but I miss thine silly blogness!

Well lucky you babycakes! I'm back to give you some lurrrrrve, just in time for Valentine's.
I have been on a lazy hiatus for far too long, and enough people have cried and persisted for me to blog again. I'm totes famous like. And I need to make more of an effort to write, so big ups to the kids who cried, you're the reason I'm here!

So here's a few little links to brighten up your day. Cos fuck knows the idiots are out in force today, and the world needs a bit of brightening.

And finally, for a dash of extra bloggy love, I cast your mind back to the mid 80s for some Aussie disco/rock weirdness! Starring the great Jo Jo Zep and the Falcons and an awkward dance floor, I present to you the fabulous Taxi Mary!

That is one funky RSL club, amiright??

You may not enjoy it as much as four year old Squish did. But remember kids....the disco worm is in the apple, bite it out now, it won't hurt xx