Love Letters to Ass Hats

Dear Moron in my office,

You need to shut the hell up now.

I do not need to hear every thought that crosses your mind, nor your muttering of every thing you read on your computer screen. Jesus Christ, even 5 year olds can read in their heads.

I do not need to hear smacking sounds and sighs of satisfaction when you drink your coffee. This is not a porn movie, no one gives a shit if you're enjoying it or not.

The pitch and patronising tone of your voice, combined with the fact that you have not kept you mouth shut FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE since I got here, is making me want to tear my fingernails off.

FUCKING SHOOSH. Or I'm going to the office warfare website, building a freaking crossbow out of a stapler, sticky tape and some chopsticks and then throwing the whole Macguyver mess at your face.

And if the dude next to you doesn't stop honking and bleeping like a Skeksi fucking Beaker, HE'S NEXT.

Love,
the passive aggressive girl who is now hunting for ear plugs but will probably snap and stab you shortly.


PS I just saw you pick your ear and inspect it. Gross, dude.