Horrorbubble - Salo or The 120 Days of Sodom

I finally watched it.

I have been avoiding Salo for years and years, purely because it is renowned for its filthy content and I was afraid of just what it would stain on my retinas permanently. Banned in Australia since 1976, it was released for a limited time in 1993 and advertised luridly on arthouse theatre posters. I remember the movie entering my consciousness via these posters, and the controversy surrounding it has stuck in my mind to the point where I built it up to be the penultimate of foul, the grossest of gross, the WRONGEST MOVIE EVER. My young mind assumed it was just one long, horrifically graphic orgy. With obese people. And flowers. I was about 60% correct.

It's kinda like a deformed American Pie crossed with Hostel then re-crossed with some silent art film where people just pose poetically in arty rooms with fancy paintings and beautiful tile-work, while holding flowers and shit. Lots of teens, lots of sex and lots of super-grossness. Salo is infamous for its coprophagia scene (that's poo-eating, kids). This gives you an idea of why I avoided it for so long.

Choosing to watch it with the equally disturbed Michael, we nicknamed it The Poo Movie and unfortunately had to subject three other people to it's awesome grottiness. Nathan coped well, but Michelle kept shrieking and Nick actually fled the house towards the end. Mind you, this is not the first time I have damaged people with my movie choices.

Based on the Marquis De Sade's novel The 120 Days of Sodom, but transposed to WWII era Italy under Mussolini's reign, it follows four uber-wealthy, super-powerful men as they gather accomplices and kidnap eighteen innocents, taking them away to a secluded mansion and doing whatever the hell they want to them; beating them, raping them, dehumanising them and ultimately killing them. In a somewhat fancy manner. Just because they can.

That is perhaps the only logical point to this movie: rich bastards will do whatever the fuck they want. JUST COS. And you will shut up, and you will like it. Or they'll cut your goddamn eyes out and burn your nipples off.

The film is very creepy on a deeper level, as the allusions to fascism and the Nazi state of Salo are all too realistic. It is fiction, but chances are all of these atrocities have occurred on some level, to someone held prisoner somewhere. One of the libertines says, "we fascists are the only true anarchists...in fact, the one true anarchy is that of power". The movie is a statement on society in general; the men spurt poetry and philosophical crap all the way through, as a way of justifying their abhorrent behaviour and their wielding of the ultimate power -- sex.

Story wise, things are none too clear, and I had to keep trying to explain portions from what I knew of the book. Reading subtitles is quite difficult while distracted by nakedness and terrible teeth...seriously, were there no dentists in the 1970s?

Visually, it is quite stunning, and has some of the most iconic and memorable images cinema has given. The mostly teenage cast are pretty in an Italian street urchin kinda way, and they hang around naked so much you just get used to them, well, hanging around naked.

Look at us! We're nude on the steps! With flowers!

Playing doggy games, complete with collars, dog food and a hearty round of howling

A jolly round of Heads Down, Bums Up (winner gets a shot to the head!)

Bathe in the poo bucket. It's joyous. And warm. You won't feel shameful at all.

The creepy-weird second wedding made no fucking sense whatsoever. Satan was involved somehow.



Dreamy shots of pretty boys

More nudie. In an arty manner. Lookit that fancy flooring!

People even die in a graceful swooning manner.

And now we cut your tongue out, little dude!

The thing that actually scared me the most was the creepy-ass cross-eyed dude (The President) who did nothing but leer lasciviously. At everything. His manky old face was set to permanent leer, and it was he that inevitably made Nick flee into the night, he that threatened to give me endless nightmares. It didn't help that he was very excited about flashing him bum to everyone and dressing in a creepy leather undies outfit.

If ever there were a poster child for dirty old men, this is he. Pooey chin and all.

And oh! the plight of poor young Sergio! Sergio was one of the few captives who are actually named, he was cute, and the poor bastard copped the majority of hell from everyone.

Just look at him. So pretty.

He gets married off to Renata in the infamous nudie wedding.

Renata just cries a bunch cos they killed her mother and made her eat a poo off the floor.

Shut your crying hole, Renata, you got a hottie for a hubby!

Then they put him in a wedding dress cos he's so durn pretty. And that old whore has bad teeth.

Sergio is not happy. The wedding cake they gave him was shit. Literally.

Then they burn the poor love's nipples off. Oh Sergio!

Salo is a contradiction of sorts. It is an ugly movie, with moments of beauty. It is an important movie making all sorts of political statements, but it ultimately means nothing. It is gruesome and very difficult to watch at times, but also a work of art. It was lambasted for all it's nudie teens and near-pornography, but they apparently had a great time making it.

As gross and uncomfortable as it makes you feel, Salo is almost comical by today's torture-porn standards. When the four men dressed in drag we were falling about laughing, but I think we all felt that some of our laughter was of the nervous, should-I-be-amused-when-I'm-fucking-creeped-out? variety.

Reading the original text of the Marquis De Sade's novel is far far FAR more gruesome and soul-destroying than this film. One of the last scenes of the book is a young girl being quite literally torn apart from the inside out. And the children in the novel are actual children, on average about 12 years old. Conclusion? De Sade was one royally fucked-up unit, and thank God they locked him up in the Bastille.

Salo will uphold it's cult status as the first truly sickening film issued. Not everyone will be able to stomach it, but anyone interested in film must view it at least once. There is something haunting about it which still strikes me even when I watch the trailer now; the maudlin piano music, the sullen faces of the captives, the final comical waltz performed by two boys which ultimately says, It all means nothing. Torture, sex, death. It means nothing. Motherfuckers, let's dance.

The ultimate conclusion? Michael and I should probably watch these fucked up movies alone. Cos you KNOW there will be more fucked up movies.

Just watch the fucking movie. Or we shoot you. And we'll probably have sex with you afterwards.

Then that cross-eyed dude's gonna flash his bum. And we shall laugh inappropriately.

And it will be positively AWFUL.

Fascism, hurrah!

Fried Eggs, Fried Eggs, Gotta Get Me Some Fried Eggs.

My co-worker Kim just abused me for not posting for a while. Meanwhile she's wearing a pastel jumper knotted around her shoulders like some kind of 1980s US college boy/tennis player. Who's the wanker now, Kimmy? The answer, my friend, is YOU.

So this post is dedicated to Captain Kimbot and all o' y'all wankers out there! Let's play click the links cos it's Friday and you wanna waste time and look at stupid stuff yaaaaaaay!

• Spirit Hoods. Just buy one. You know you want to. They're cute, they're practical (super warm and triple threat of beany, scarf and mittens in one), and they make drunk teenagers scream in excitement and chase you down the street when you wave at them from your brother's car. Cos the little drunk fucks think they just saw a snow leopard making wavy paws at them. Yes they have paw prints on the hands! CUUUUUTE.

• Follow me on Twitter, twits. I need the attention or I might start cutting myself or grow an emo fringe or join a band or something. Warning: I am really boring on there, maybe you can teach me something? Like, the point of it? 

• Dontcha wish sometimes that you were born in an Amazonian tribe and life was just goddamn simple? Hunting, making fire, dancing and singing, building awesome huts? Bliss.

• Peter Falk died? Fuck Columbo, he was the grandpa from The Princess Bride!! Let's all get together and watch that movie again sometime. Just because it's amazing. And has Andre The Giant in it. And Cary Elwes when he was still hot. And it makes you yell "In-con-CEIVABLE!" at people with a bad lisp.

• Damn but I love me some Faces of Meth. It's really tragic that these people have ruined their lives with drugs, but the pre and post addiction pics are awesome. Some of their faces have almost literally melted, others will make you cackle, others still will give you nightmares.

• I spent hours going whaaaaaat? over this Wikipedia page the other day. Weird deaths, avoid if easily grossed out. And for the love of God, don't Google Image any pics like I did. I know I don't want to see pictures of young girls severely dismembered in car accidents, but my brain goes LOOOOK, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO LOOOOOK....then go go Google fingers! Immediate regret ensues.

• And ok if you looked at the last link, Awkward Family Pet Photos will make you feel better. Though not necessarily more faithful of mankind's ability to be intelligent.

• On the topic of pets, this is so goddamn cute. And heartwarming. And all the good crap we love about animals.

On a slightly melancholy note, today would have been the 50th birthday of the lovely Princess Diana. Happy birthday, pretty lady. Apologies for Charles being a bit of a knob and larking off with a giant chin on legs, but if you never married him, the world may never have known your kind-heartedness.

Here's a young Di with a guinea pig. Just cos. The rule is, you gotta make a guinea pig sound while you look at the pic. Eee eee eee!

And here's a random picture cos I know you love that shit.

Rock on, Jim Henson. Now let's all sing The Rainbow Connection and get a bit weepy. Damn it makes me weepy. I miss Jim, don't you?

Wanna Disco, Wanna See Me Disco?

I was gonna post most of this last Friday but the last two weeks have sucked. My cat died, my car's exhaust fell off and I paid $800 for a new one, then the next day a woman drove into me and wrote my car off, I've been sick for over a week and really all I would like is to just lie down somewhere and die quietly. Rant whinge argh ugh fail. Do you want my life? It's awesome.

But just when I think all is lost, I see oooooh, there's pretty colours and stuff to look at, I don't wanna die yet! Just lookit all this crazy crap, life is worth living, let's disco!

• Dude, that lobster is like, blue.

• OMG I didn't know that the awesome chick from Bikini Kill is also the awesome chick from Le Tigre, who also awesomely inspired Smells Like Teen Spirit. Which increases the awesomeness of Le Tigre by, like, a million megatrons. You know them! They sang that super-annoying/double-plus amazing song, Deceptacon! And holy crackers, here's a version by Jem and the Holograms. Cos Jem rocks my face off.

• This guy needs his own action figure. Or at least a movie. For realz. He is like his own personal scaled down version of 300, with the Spartans and the Persians and the epic-ness and the This is Spartaaaaaaaaa! Speaking of which....My Little Pony style!

• Self-righteous dumb people are unintentionally hilarious. Smart people who use their dumbness against them are even funnier. Check it out if you can't stand people who mess with their phones in cinemas.

• Damn I heart book-related stuff. Such a book dork, I would happily live in a library and fondle the books all day. Check out these awesome 1971 letters from famous folk to library kids.

• Rainbows are gay and I love them! If someone builds me a house with a rainbow walkway like this one, I shall marry them and make rainbow babies.

• I love it that these guys have re-branded ordinary items to be artwork. And douche bags are probably buying them and going, "Yerrsssssss, existential, isn't it?" No dude, it's a fucking coke can.

• This is super cute but don't watch it if you can't handle dead animals or precocious children.

• I have always loved this website. They take three-frame-cuts from movies and animate them on a permanent loop, making every damn movie look luridly colourful, intriguing and like some kind of kinky dance-off. I could ogle it for hours, and have found many an amazing cult movie just by trolling their pages.

I've been on hold to my insurance company for thirty minutes now...apparently I'm progressing in the queue but it sounds like they've all buggered off to the pub. Signing off so I can find sparkly pictures and stupid songs to stop me from bashing the phone repeatedly against my desk and screaming Whyyyyyyyyyyyy???!!!

Sure you don't want my life?

Bianca Jagger and Jeff Bridges. This fantastic combo has made me feel infinitely better already.

Hope your Friday is disco, kids!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs&feature=BFa&list=FLo59Bpxlz99M&index=5

Wake Up In The Morning, Feeling Shy and Lonely.....

Yes, I've been watching Degrassi Junior High. And now you have that song stuck in your head, don't you?

REJOICE IN THE POWER OF TEEN TV SHOWS!

And I'm not talking the stoopid 'new generation' Degrassi, where all the old students return as annoying teachers and make us doubt they were ever awesome.

I'm talking this crew:

We are fucking WHOLESOME. But will do drugs if storyline requires it.

I loved this show like craaaaaaazy when it was on in the 80s/90s, and recently got my hands on the first three seasons. So yeah, in the next few weeks I'm gonna totally immerse myself in Degrassi-ness, start saying aboot and hoose like a good Canadian, and then finally bust out the movie-length finale and yell "You were fucking Tessa Campanelli??" while doing my best earnest Caitlyn Ryan face.

I am gonna bust that little blonde bitch's face, Jeremiah!

YOU. WERE. FUCKING. TESSA. CAMPANELLI. This was the line that simultaneously nourished and destroyed our childhoods. Don't you remember being so goddamn SHOCKED that the Degrassi kids were suddenly swearing on TV, drink driving and rooting around on their girlfriends? Shame on you, Joey Jeremiah! Caitlyn was the best thing that happened to you and you still WERE FUCKING TESSA CAMPANELLI?? She was a little blonde whore and she was only in like, grade nine!

Taaaaaa Joey, ohmygod like taaaaaa!

While indulging in a veritable Degrassi marathon ("MORE DEGRASSI!" was yelled at me more than once),  The Boy and I started talking about our favourite characters, who we had crushes on back in the day, and which character we resembled.

My boyfriend thinks I'm "a less chocolate-y" version of Lucy, with her crazy outfits and hippie sensibilities. When she came onscreen in some leopard-print leggings he started squealing and pointing like she was my doppelganger. To his credit, I have been known to wear leopard-print leggings.

I will out-scarf you anyday.

But I always had a girl crush on and kinda wanted to be like Caitlyn; she was a good girl who was also cool, part of the school's power couple (even though Joey was a tool), wore weird headbands and graduated to an awesome blonde streak.

Look at me rocking my hair streak. Bitches, step off.

And she was always super-earnest and good to the environment. She lost her shit a little when she fell for that weird dude Claude (Clowwwwwd), but after he offed himself in the toilet she of course returned to Joey's ever-lovin' arms.

You know you wish you WERE us

So, which Degrassi character are you?

Slutty Stephanie Kaye who gets the Class President vote by slopping her boobs and bad makeup all over the boys?

Being a whore gets attention, yay!

One of the bitch-twins, Heather and Erica, always into fuckery; getting drunk before the dance, shagging boys at parties, getting pregnant and having abortions?

Surly. We are surly.

Or Spike, our favourite teen mum, the friendly punk with two tonnes of hairspray?

If I can take care of an egg I can have a baby, right?

Or the boys....are you Shane, the irresponsible father of Spike's baby who took acid and jumped off a bridge?

I'm about to get all teen statistic on your ass!

Wheels, who wore too much denim, a series of bad spectacles, and maintained one of the greatest variations of the mullet?

Just lookit my awesome mullet and glasses. Ohhhh yeah.

Or Joey Jeremiah, the drug-pushing, hat-wearing Zit Remedy frontman who was always chasing tail despite being oh, about three feet tall? You don't need a pic of Joey. Everyone knows Joey. The guy who played him actually did a conference in Melbourne via Skype earlier this year...AND I FUCKING MISSED IT. I know, how is it even possible I missed it?

Wait, let us pause for reflection....Zit Remedy. How many times have you found yourself singing THAT song at inappropriate moments? I usually sing it when someone wants something, or takes your money, or never gives up, or declares themself The New Degrassi Sensation.

And who did you have a crush on? I had a mild thing for Clutch, Lucy's older boyfriend. Clutch's 80s appeal doesn't really translate to today, but he seemed pretty cool when I was ten.

I'm squinting cos that's how cool folk roll.

For an extra trip down memory lane, here's a really shonky vid of the moment when Joey proved he's an idiot, and we rejoiced at the use of the word fucking. On television. In a teen show. *GASP*

You want more? You gotta come to my house and I will Degrassi your face off baby!

LONG LIVE DEGRASSI!

 

PS Spike and Caitlyn have been known to DJ together now. Can you imagine rocking up to a party and those two are on the decks? I would squeal until my face split. Pretty sure you would too :)

Actual Quotes from the Good Food and Wine Festival, or How Michael and Elisha Got Sore Feet and No Cheese

Leave your dignity AT THE DOOR.

Where's Manu? I'd let that man do anything to me.

Is that security guard one of the Village People? His shirt is just so tight, he looks like a stripper.

You can tell they hired that Coopers girl for her tits.

Oh christ, they have coffee seminars. Wankers.

Do you think if we get him a boombox and ask him to take his shirt off, he will?

Where the hell do you get the wine glasses from? I wanna drink!

No really, she must be wearing a corset, they're just too perky.

Seriously, where is the fucking cheese? Cheese and wine go hand in hand, goddammit!

Look, moscato on tap!

Oooh, he's hot, let's get booze off him......nah, can't be bothered, everyone wants his booze.

Fuck that, I don't wanna make small talk with them, I just want their free samples.

If one more person rams me with a bloody trolley I'm gonna kick them.

Who takes their kids to a festival AND GETS DRUNK?

They're at the Beer Garden....there's an indoor beer garden?

Do I need a meat sandwich? Nah, I don't wanna pay for food when there's samples.

If I don't find some cheese soon, I'm going to fucking punch someone.

Arrrgh, that gargoyle is a real dude...(to the gargoyle) "Hi there!"

I'm SEVERELY disappointed with the lack of cheese.

I'm hungry, gimme that bottle of mustard. No, we don't look like junkies!


*And with that, they were away into the afternoon, in search of cheese and a full glass of booze.

Friday Fluff and Fuckery

Look, I said fluff, not fluffer, ok? Get your minds out of the gutter, it's time to waste some time!

You can totally willingly remove organs and sell them for stuff you want! That's why so many body parts come in twos!

The Lottery, a short story from 1948 by Shirley Jackson. Absolutely chilling account of blasé human cruelty, it blew people's minds to the point where she got hate mail for years, as well as people asking where these lotteries were held and if they could go watch. Conclusion? Humans are fucked.

It occurred to me the other night, watching The City, that Olivia Palermo is a plastic dead-eyed zombie who scares the living hell out of me and I would probably accidentally bludgeon her with a shovel if she came at me on the street, so convinced am I that she is a very well-groomed member of the undead army, or some kind of shark.

Look at those dead eyes! She's planning to eat your brain and steal your wardrobe.

Michael Bolton redeems himself for How Am I Supposed To Live Without You and that bad 80s fluffy hairdo, proving he may have some shades of awesome.  But for some reason when I hear this, I keep singing How Do I Get You Alone by Heart. Who rule, by the way. Until they released that horrible late 80s soft porn song, All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You. PLAH.
THIS is Heart at their most awesome.

Damn those Wilson sisters were hot. And did you know Nancy (the blonde one) wrote the tunes sung by Stillwater in Almost Famous? And had a bit part in Fast Times At Ridgmont High? And that I'm full of useless information?

Vote for this guy in the Make Me The Next Top Model comp. He's everything a model isn't, and he's currently in the lead! And if he won, not only would that be AMAZING, but all the snobby model casting knobs would have to cop it and let the fat man catwalk, baby!

Dr Cliff Huxtable's mother died! Goddamn I used to want that woman to be my grandmother when I was a kid, she had awesome nanna moxy, and took no shit. On a happier Cosby Show note...an ode to their artful sweaters.

They've made a prequel to The Thing, one of THE BEST AND SCARIEST movies of all time. It's not a remake, yaaaaay! It has a girl in it where the original was an all-male cast, yaaaaay! That girl is the super-cool Mary Elizabeth Winstead from Scott Pilgrim and Death Proof, yaaaaay! Hopefully they will honour the original and lead some youngsters to its amazing-ness. And hopefully MacReady re-appears in the world's best hat (which I couldn't find a picture of, no matter how hard I googled. If you haven't seen the world's best hat, you really need to watch the movie. If you're a horror fan or thought Kurt Russell was even remotely sexy in the 80s, you will not be disappointed.)

Kurt Russell at his best and hairiest as MacReady, with the hat hiding behind him.

Seriously, if the powers that be ever get their hands on my IMDB movies list, they are gonna haul my ass to Guatanamo for being a serial killer of children. Every movie on there is either uber-horror or glittery childhood wonder, from The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth through to Salo and Cannibal Holocaust. They better not look at my bookshelf either...Stephen King, Bret Easton Ellis and Virginia Andrews reign supreme. I'm not giving you a link cos you will totes dob me in for being psychotic.

Speaking of Stephen, they're re-releasing IT (the book, not the movie). Made me crap my fucking dacks like not many books can. The image of that goddamn clown, all red lips and giant teeth, lurking down the drain. Eeeeeeeeeeeek. You wanna buy me presents? Make them of the Stephen King variety. He is MY FAVOURITE EVERRRRR.

What in the hell is The Koton? I thought it was a brand of feminine hygiene products, but it looks like some form of devil worship. Some may argue they're the same thing.

Prepare for ZOMBIESSSSSSSS. I am so ready for the takeover. Olivia Palermo, I got my shovel right here for ya, honey child.

I just googled Olivia Palermo zombie and this is what I got. She has her teeth ready to eat your fashion brainsssss.

And here's an awesome picture, just for fun. If it doesn't make you wanna shag and/or dress up as Shera, Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake, there's something wrong with you. Happy Friday, folks!

Horrorbubble - Insidious

From the Aussie boys who brought you the bloody horrid Saw tri-quadrilogy* and that dude that did Paranormal Activity, comes Insidious. It is an obvious homage to Poltergeist, with the tormented kid and haunted house aspect, weird psychic woman and dorky ghost-hunters included.  I scored free tickets via the awesome folk at Hello Darkness, and took the lovely Michael to enjoy (suffer?) along with me.

I really wanted to like this movie. I heart Rose Byrne. She's so durn purdy. And Patrick Wilson is purdy too. And Lin Shaye just seems like a damn cool woman. Nice to see her in a dramatic role and looking like herself...

I'm a fucking psychic, I have a steely gaze.

Instead of like this:

I inspired a whole generation of tanned blondes.

Most of the characters were likable, but the story melted out all over the place and seemed like two or three films chucked together. There were creepy moments, a few jump-scares and some spooky weirdness that made me go eeeeeee! and maybe grab Michael a little bit, but it just never really delivered. I think they got over-zealous with their plot lines and that just made it confusing and lame, instead of scary as hell like it had the potential to be. It started off well, then all just fell apart by the end, sustaining itself on a few RAH! moments and an ambiguous ending (heyyyyy, let's keep it open for a sequel!) that made me go "Um, fucking what?" Walking out, Michael and I kinda shrugged at each other and went, "What did you think?....Meh."

I do like this promo shot though.

Main problems? They gave us too many spooky dudes to be scared of, then were like "oh, hang on, you're really meant to be scared of THIS ONE!" and it just got boring. The main demon was crazy-creepy SHIT WHAT IS THAT?? at first, but lost its power and just seemed laaaaame after a while. And the kid was nowhere near creepy enough. If it's the kid that's haunted, make the kid goddamn haunting! Carol-Ann from Poltergeist inspires fear and maternal crap in me to this day, with her creepy combo of innocence and ooh-Mommy-the-ghosts-are-my-friends!-ness.

Stay away from the TV you spooky little fuck**

The one creepy-creeper was the use of Tiptoe Through The Tulips, which seemed funny at the time, as a weird shadow figure bopped along to it in the lounge room while Rose lost her shit. But goddamn that song haunted my brain afterwards and made me think scary ooh-there's-something-in-my-room thoughts when I got home to a dark, empty house. I don't think I'll ever hear that song again without associating it with evil. Fuck you AND your ukelele, Tiny Tim!

The bumbling ghost-hunters brought some comic relief, but Angus Sampson threw me off when he appeared cos the last time I saw him was at my local bottle-o, shuffling his large frame through the cider section. I have a B-grade celebrity magnet somewhere in my head; this kinda crap happens often -- I saw Tom Gleisner at my supermarket last night.

Soooo, I can see what they were trying to do with Insidious but it just fell short. I really think these boys adore Poltergeist and wanted to sing it a love song, but sorry, you ain't no Tobe Hooper and your shabby karaoke just ain't right. Go back to gore, boys. I'm sure you can break Friday 13th's far too many sequels record.

Read Final Girl's review of this movie here. Of course it's better than this one, because Final Girl rules.


*Christ knows what number Saw they're up to now; I stopped watching them after seeing the opening scene to number 4 - maybe 5, unsure - with the guy with all the rings through his body that he had to rip out. I kept shrieking, "He has to pull that giant one out of his chin and it will rip his jaw off EEWWWWWW!!" and writhing maniacally on the couch. Which inspired my then-boyfriend to break his Seinfeld-like years of no vomit, and barf a great pillar of barfness like I have never witnessed before or since. We turned it off, and I have not returned to the trauma-land of Saw since.

**When I was a very little girl I used to wake up in the morning and put the TV on a static channel, all black and white fuzz and BZZZZZZ sounds. My mum would get out of bed and find me giving myself the ole square eye, right in front of the screen, touching it with wonder. And I'd say "There's bees in the TV, Mum!"
Creepy fucking kid, yerrrrp that's me.